Local writer Ella Mittas has always been one of our favourite brains, but when we found out about her graduate creative writing project based around women’s speech and gossip we couldn’t have been more intrigued. We’re so excited that she’s agreed to run her stories here, accompanied by illustrations from another tooth achingly impressive local Molly Dyson.

‘Do you ladies want anything? I’m going down to Coles,’ Emma said, stopping at their desks.

‘No thanks,’ Simone and Carly said in unison.

Simone watched Emma make her way through the office, ‘my god, she’s put on so much weight,’ she said. ‘She’s going to have to buy a whole new wardrobe soon, that blazer is looking smaller and smaller.’

‘I know,’ Carly said. She wheeling her chair closer to Simone. ‘Don’t you reckon it’s got something to do with her and Tim?’


‘I reckon something weird happened there. He was always over at her desk being slimy, then one day it completely stopped. Ever since then she’s piled it on and when she sees him she goes white.’

‘All I know is, that all she drinks all day is coke zero, and I want to say to her, “look, can you stop pretending you don’t eat? I totally keep seeing you eating McDonalds in your car, so you can stop with this whole charade.” You don’t get fat for no reason.’

‘Yeah, that’s like her pretending she has all those dietary requirements. At the Christmas party, all she was eating was salad and Jan had made all that polenta. I got confused because I knew that she couldn’t eat gluten or dairy, so I said “Oh I didn’t know you couldn’t eat polenta” and she looked at me and said “No, I can eat polenta. I’m just not.” Then a couple of white wines later she was stuffing her face with cheese from the cheese platter, it was grotesque, she was, like, eating blue cheese with her fingers.’

‘It’s so annoying, just stop being fat. It’s not that hard. Just eat less and do some exercise, fuck.’

‘Are you still going to the gym?’ Carly said, moving back to her desk.

        ‘I go, like, five times a week. I don’t think I could not. I’d go mental.’

‘Yeah, it must be good for your brains and your emotional wellbeing.’

‘Well yeah, but if I don’t do it I put on so much weight.’

‘My exercise at the moment consists of:  if I have too many wines at home by myself I dance to nineties hip-hop in the living room.’

‘I wish I could do that. You’re so skinny.’

‘You know you shouldn’t worry too much about that kind of carry on.’

As Emma walked past their desks, Simone looked at Carly.

‘Did you see?’ she said.

‘Yep, Coke Zero.’

‘She probably scoffed a burger before she even came in’




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